Friday, August 3, 2012

Funniest thing I’ve ever read…

A FB friend posted this link on her page and I literally never laughed so hard in my life.
Please read it. I died.

I was sitting in my cube trying my hardest to hold in my laughter as tears just rolled down my face; it's that good. This story made my Friday.
Then it started. I couldn’t stop talking about my own awkward fart stories.
So here it is. Farts with Mandy.
The first time I farted in front of Matt:
We were in my mom’s basement; we had been dating for approximately 3 months. Matt was on the home computer and I decided to get on the elliptical machine next to him to talk while he was on myspace. As I rolled my feet on the elliptical a very loud, very deep fart slipped out of my butt cheeks. OMG! What do I do? I did what any sane person would do, I immediately sat down on the elliptical and buried my head between my legs, because hiding would disguise the fart sound that had already slipped out of my butt cheeks.  When I finally had enough nerve to surface my head I just came out with, “I’m sorry.” I’ve never seen Matt so serious. He just awkwardly looked at me and said, “It’s okay.” After that, I never stopped farting infront of Matt. I unleashed the caged animal. We came to an agreement that it’s just too painful to hold a fart in. 
Yup, that’s my hand:
Yesterday after work, I met my sister and Travis (my nephew) up at Kohl’s. Since I’m the “cool Aunt” I was letting Travis climb on all the model beds and was laying on them with him. The one bed I had to push his butt up onto because it was too high for him to climb. As I take my hand on his butt to push him up he lets out the biggest man fart ever heard from a 3-year-old. It was so big and stinky that my hand LITERALLY smelled like a fart! Bible. I was all, “OMG Trav! Eww now my hand smells!! That was so big!” Travis just looked at me all serious, “What Aunt Mandy? It was just a toot.” Like I was the crazy one.
As a child, I learned farts make people laugh and gag...
Growing up my parents were very traditional and every night we would all eat dinner together as a family. (Mom, Dad, my sister (Laurie) and myself). It’s relevant to know that my sister has the worst gag reflex of anyone I know. (Which my nephew has inherited) For some unknown reason, dinner would just bring the fart out in me and every night at dinner I would get the farts. Every time I would let a fart slip my sister would gag uncontrollable and cover her drink with her hand, while yelling, “Mandy!! You’re soo gross! It’s going to get in my drink and on my food! MOM!!!” My parents would attempt to keep a straight face while yelling at me to take it to the bathroom. As I would run to the bathroom I would purposely fart the whole way there. (Seriously, I had this down to a science). As I would slowly run to the bathroom, farting the whole way, I would hear my parents crying of laughter and my sister gagging to the point of puking. I thought it didn’t get any funnier than that.
Pure fart perfection.  
Anybody else enjoy a good fart story? Is it wrong of me to be 26 and still think farts are hilarious?


laura said...

Funniest day ever!!!!

tiff@thecoffeehouse said...

bahaha. so Dan bought me the "everybody poops" book because I am always saying "I don't poop", "I don't fart". We've been together for 8 years ... it's probably time I admit to this stuff. :)

Brittany said...

Hahahahahaha. You are hilarious! I still think farts are funny...pretty sure I always will. And Zach DEFINITELY thinks they're funny...especially when he throws the really raunchy ones in my face. It's lovely, really.