Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Don't mess with our crazy neighborhood...

For the last three or so months the cars in our neighborhood have been getting broken into.
The robber’s only mess with the unlocked cars but when they are robbing cars once a week you’re bound to make the mistake of accidently leaving your car unlocked.
Guilty.
 Those bastards stole my GPS, car registration, car manual and insurance card. (This happened about two months back).
I felt ill. It’s a weird feeling when a stranger has touched all your personal stuff.  
But then when I actually witnessed these scum breaking into cars I felt like I wanted to punch someone in their drug addicted face.
Clearly, these boys are looking for money or looking to sell our stuff. They need their drugs, man.  
And these boys, or boy in Sunday night’s case, aren’t very bright because they kept coming back, and coming back.
I kinda understand why, easy escape through the woods that surround our homes.
But what this little bastard Sunday didn’t realize was that he had a handful of 20-something “Essex*” men waiting for his arrival.
Oh man when Matty’s mad ya’ll, you better watch yourselves. There ain’t no stopping this man.
Let me just give you a play-by-play of my phone conversation with the dispatcher when I called 911 Sunday night.
Me, “Yes I’m watching this creepy little bastard right now get into our neighbor Casey’s car. Okay, now he’s in Mrs. Diane car. What a sketchy ass mother f-er. Eww. Okay, now he’s about to hit up my car. Oh man, I hope I locked it.”
Dispatcher, “Girl, me too.”
Me, “Okay, thank god. It’s locked. Okay now he’s going to my husband’s car. And OH SHIT! NO!! F!!  My husband’s outside, with a baseball bat. Oh shit. Now my husband and the dog are chasing this kid down the street. Oh crap. Here’s another guy in the neighborhood with a baseball bat. Okay, their gonna kick this motha f-ers ass. You better get the cops out here fast.”
Seriously.

(If you don’t know already, I curse a lot. When I’m pissed, it’s lethal. I don’t know when I thought it was appropriate to talk to the poor dispatcher with this kind of language. Dang.)
Matt and my brother in-law chased this kid into the woods with, our dog, Chase. I guess Chase felt Matt’s energy and wanted to protect Matt. My brother in-law said that the woods were pitch black and the only reason he was able to jump on top and tackle this guy was because of Chase’s white fur.
Modern day Lassie right here.
This kid had to be scared. My brother-in-law is about 6’5. And he had three grown men chasing him with bats.
I would have pooed.
My brother-in-law said the kid goes, “You all are crazy. You smell like you’ve been drinking”
My brother-in-law responded with, “Were all crazy mother f-ers around here.”
I think they are.
Don’t mess with Essex, we turn a little gangster when need be.
I also think we totally lived up to our white trash reputation that night. It was priceless. I wonder what the cops were thinking. They did send out six cop cars. Guess my baseball bat comment didn’t help.
I mean this dog is serious about his love for his papa. No wonder he helped out with catching the bad guy!
(And this is an old pic, I do not have my Christmas tree up yet. I promise. lol)


4 comments:

Whitney@Keeping Up with the Cyperts said...

Oh my goodness! That's crazy, and scary! I can't believe your hubby ran after them, that's awesome! And the way you were talking to the dispatcher...hilarious! I'm not sure I believe that you don't have your Christmas tree up yet! Lol

Faith said...

I am laughing so, so, so hard! I know this is serious but I'm picturing the scene and I can't stop laughing! Good for you guys protecting the neighborhood!!

laura said...

I can't believe I slept through the entire thing! HAHA!!!

Brittany said...

Hahaha!! Definitely scary but sounds like you had everything under control ;). Too funny!